I want my blog to be a positive place - so it makes sense to focus on the fun things, but I think it's important to acknowledge every now and again that life ain't all lovely and brilliant. Things have been a bit hard lately, so I just wanted to talk about that.
But, then again, it's been really difficult on many levels too. My relationship ended at the start of the summer, and my life is totally different. We own a house so we've still been living together, but of course things have changed, everything has changed. The house that we loved and shaped into a lovely home has just gone on the market, and that's all quite scary and exciting and strange to think about. I don't know where I'm going to live (other than the roughest of plans) because I don't know when the house will sell, or when I can move. It's a really odd situation.
Sometimes I'm almost giddy about how exciting the future is. For the first time in a very long time, I don't know what life will be like. I could go anywhere! I could change everything if I wanted! There's so much out there, and I've learned that I can be brave and I can do scary things. But other times I'm really struck by what I've lost. Not just Craig, but the life we planned, the future that was ours. It might not be the right thing for me any more, but I've needed to mourn for the what-could-have-been, and at times I feel like I have the heaviest of hearts.
I came across this quote by Jeanette Winterson when I was reading her latest book, Why Be Happy When You Can Be Normal? and it really stuck with me. I think is worth reading, regardless of how life is treating you.
Pursuing happiness, and I did, and still do, is not at all the same as being happy- which I think is fleeting, dependent on circumstances, and a bit bovine. If the sun is shining, stand in it- yes, yes, yes. Happy times are great, but happy times pass- they have to- because time passes.
The pursuit of happiness is more elusive; it is lifelong, and it is not goal-centred. What you are pursuing is meaning- a meaningful life. There's the hap- the fate, the draw that is yours, and it isn't fixed, but changing the course of the stream, or dealing new cards, whatever metaphor you want to use- that's going to take a lot of energy.
There are times when it will go so wrong that you will barely be alive, and times when you realize that being barely alive, on your own terms, is better than living a bloated half-life on someone else's terms.
The pursuit isn't all or nothing - it's all AND nothing. Like all quest stories.
So. I'm not going to be sharing every part of what I'm going through (it is the internet after all), but I'll check in about life things maybe a little more often. And on the whole, I'm quietly optimistic that things are going to work out well. Which is a really nice thing to have.