Wednesday, 27 April 2016

INSECURITIES

I generally try and keep my blog a happy, positive place. I like writing about the things I like, and on the whole, I'm an optimistic, happy-go-lucky kind of person. I'm good at finding the silver lining, and even when I am a bit grumpy, it generally doesn't last for long.

Butttt, that's obviously not always the case. And currently, I'm feeling a bit out of sorts and unsure of myself. I think it's a combination of leaving a long-term job, starting something new and exciting, and  the last six months being pretty manic and intense overall - I bought a house! I moved! I spent months panicking about cancer! I delivered a massive festival! I got a new job! I've had about two weeks to do reporting that normally takes six weeks! Aaaaargh.

Courage, dear heart - Etsy print
So, in no particular order, here are the things I am currently feeling insecure about. Because I figure writing them down will stop me squirrelling them away, and then I can just get on with things. Right?

I am starting a new job
In two weeks I'll be about to start my new job. The good thing is that I'm really confident about the work I'll be doing - I'm moving into a very similar position to the one I do now, and I know I'm good at it, and I understand festival life. But I'm nervous about all the little things. I have to make new friends, and I'm starting during a really busy period, when no-one will have time to hang out with me. And I've got a track record of things going really wrong in my first week of a new job (e.g. spilling coffee down a white dress, accidentally kicking my shoe off and it FLYING across an entire office) so I am nervous about the small, stupid things I can't control.

I will not be working with Josh anymore
I currently work in the same office as my boyfriend, and while I fully appreciate that it is going to be a Good Thing working in different places, I still feel insecure about it. I currently get to see him every day, and now I won't. I'll miss him. I'll miss getting to go for lunches with my boyfriend whenever the whim takes us, and making coffees together, and all the nice little moments that make office life so much sweeter. Aargh.

I am seriously unfit
This time last year I was well into training for a 10k race, and feeling pretty good as a result. I tried to restart running earlier this year, but gave up pretty quickly (because it was dark and rainy and I am definitely a fair-weather runner). Now I'm starting to get back into it, but I'm slow and sluggish, and I've started feeling sluggish and uncomfortable in life too. I know that I need to embrace the fact that I'm making healthy changes in my life, and keep exercising/eating healthily, but aaaah, I feel podgy and I just want to feel fitter INSTANTLY.

I am scared of my mortgage
I love my flat, but the responsibility of having to pay for it, and ANYTHING that needs fixed, stresses me out. I didn't realise how much I liked the safety net of renting (and passing any scary bills to your landlord), until I didn't have it anymore. I hate feeling nervy about money.

I don't know what to do with my hair/clothes/anything
This is probably all linked to just feeling a bit BLAH in my appearance, but I'm just feeling pretty over my current style. I have a haircut booked the week before I start my new job, which was meant to be a nice treat so I'd feel all ace when starting, but now I am SO UNSURE what to get done, and I don't know why it bothers me so much. I'm over-thinking my whole wardrobe, and panic-buying clothes I do not need, which is not a good thing.

I am a rubbish blogger
I cannot make time for blogging when I have any sort of work or life stress, which is why I drop off the blogging radar several times each year. But then when I do have time, I love it! I love writing, and  I love the achievement of having posts scheduled for the week, and I love hearing from people who like reading what I write. But I worry that I'm just too inconsistent, and I'm driving readers away. I get jealous when I see bloggers like me that are nailing it (I want to be cool and have a signature style and work with brilliant brands!), and I question whether my chat is even relevant anymore, and if it's worth the effort trying to post three times per week, if all I'm putting out is mindless nonsense. AHH.

I don't make time for creative projects
I don't consider blogging 'being creative' (although I do logically realise it is), so I get mad at myself when I don't make time for painting or drawing or writing fiction. I love those things! They make me happy and seriously help me destress and feel better. So why don't I do them? Why do I spend my time watching terrible movies like Divergent, that I hate so much I end up just mindlessly scrolling twitter on my phone? Whyyyy?

I can't dance
God, I'm an awful dancer. I really don't know what to do about that.

And WAH. Pity party over. I know it's going to be okay really, but it helps to acknowledge all the little things that add up to anxiety. I'm really excited about what's ahead of me, and I'm sure it'll work out fine - I just need to avoid light clothes/hot drinks in week one of my new job!

9 comments :

  1. Good luck with your new job, I am sure you will be fab!! :)

    https://byliil.wordpress.com/

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  2. Wow you really have had a big year but you are doing great! Obviously alot of changes on the work front but am sure it will be grand. I went through a bit of a difficult stage last year and found that going swimming once a week really helped not just for the exercise value but also spending an hour clearing out my mind. I know alot of folk swear by yoga for this sort of thing. Something that helps me a bit is to carry a notebook about with me that's a combo of to do list and diary. What I tend to do is at the weekend spend ten minutes or so writing a list of what is happening that week and things I need to do. Sometimes I don't even look at it again but I find it's good for focussing on what is happening over the next wee while. I sometimes use it for long term planning as well so things like 'by the end of the month I will' or 'over the next few months I will' - don't always do everything but it's the process of writing it down that helps. Good Luck x

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    1. Thank you! That's a very good point - I definitely found that running three times a week was great for keeping me happy and generally stress-free, just another reason to start it back up again! x

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  3. Such a lot of big changes in a small space of time, anxiety is bound to happen, but just remember you are awesome, and you'll soon be back in the zone. I too am feeling podgy and starting to run again, its tough but I love that feeling of accomplishment after a run.

    Don't worry about the blog, you still have loyal readers! *waves*

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  4. I am feeling a lot of similar insecurities, and I try to keep in mind that being scared of something at least means I'm aware it's an issue, so I can now take steps to do what needs to be done. Good luck with the new job (I am also guilty of spilling a drink/food all over myself appallingly frequently, just one of the pitfalls of big bosoms), your readers will be here for you when things settle down!

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  5. ❤️❤️ One of those can definitely be easily worked on - let's go to a dance class and pretend we are BeyoncĂ© http://www.dancebase.co.uk/classes/hip-hop-beginners-thu-1900-2464

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  6. Oh lovely, you've been doing so much! It's always really difficult getting back into exercise after time off. When you're running, you feel like you're dragging every pound along with you! Keep at it! And even if you're not blogging as often, we'll still be here whenever you return! x

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