LIFE AFTER LOCKDOWN

We made it to May, and we're actually allowed to do things again! Anyone else feel a big ol' mix of emotions about it all? Anyone?

Best girl Beanie!

I've spent the last year, like everyone, going through a whole rollercoaster of emotions, stress, worry, anxiety and anger about what's going on, and what it's doing to our lives. I've been incredibly lucky - I am safe, my family are safe, I've kept my job, I've been working throughout so I've been kept busy (although the furlough jealousy was real), I live in a nice wee flat so my living situation has been under my control and comfortable, and we got Beanie (our beautiful sphynx cat) so the last year has been filled with a lot of love and joy too. 

But it's been tough! (obviously). My pay got cut, work was intense and stressful, I love my partner, but living and working and only socialising with each other 24/7 is pretty intense. I missed my family, my friends, getting to go places, getting to travel, getting to live my life how I wanted. I was worried about my health, about their health, about what might happen and how long it would take, how much worst things might be. Last March I'd got into a great routine of going to the gym and trying to be healthy, and then I spent my summer attempting to find the motivation to do online exercise videos, feeling frustrated and annoyed at myself. 

So I should be over the moon that everything's opening up again and we can go back to normal, right? And I am! But also, at the pit of my stomach, there's a little voice that feels weird about things. I am excited to get to see people, I've already had my first vaccine (wahoo) so I feel a bit safer to be around, and I am ready to spend time in a place that isn't just this flat. I want to go to the cinema, to wander around a gallery, to eat food that I've not made, to bump into acquaintances in the street again! I went to the gym last week and it was so lovely to just get out of the house (my standards are so low these days), and find a bit of my old routine. I didn't feel stressed, everything felt clean and safe, it was good.

But somehow, things already feel a bit too busy, a bit too much. Maybe there's just too many options after a year of having none? I'm not used to having plans! I feel like I want to baby step my way back into socialising, because I'm nervous that if I just charge back in, all the stuff I don't want to return will be inescapable. I don't want to go back to being crammed on a bus every morning,  I don't want to feel like it's a novelty to have a night in, I don't want to lose the time I've found for painting (and I definitely don't want to lose my days spent with Beanie!). But also, I don't want to be scared of normality! 

I guess I just want the best of both worlds, and after a year of reflecting and thinking about what matters to me, it's about prioritising quality time and quality experiences. What that means to me in 2021 feels different to what it meant to me way back at the start of 2020. So I guess it's just about taking things a day at a time and being okay with the fact that some people will be buzzing about life post lockdown, some will be nervous, and some, like me, will be sitting in the middle, wondering if they are being losers by fretting at all.

LIFE LATELY

Hi! It's been a while since I just chatted on here, so I thought I'd share a wee update on how life is going.

It's weird to think back to this time last year. The reality of lockdown was kicking in, we had a tiny brand new kitten (obviously brilliant, but a big addition to our lives), my partner was about to be furloughed for months, and I was about to go through some of my most stressful days at work (being a fundraiser for an arts charity was pretty stressful in 2020!). 

In comparison, this year, while I'm obviously not loving lockdown life, I feel much more zen about everything. Work is busy and pretty stressful still, but in more of a predictable way, I've settled into working from home (please don't make me go back to an office full time), we've found new routines, and I'm starting to feel a bit more hopeful about the future.

Self portrait, March 2021

A big part of that is that I got my first vaccine in March! I was surprised to be called so early, but it seems that there are some advantages to the various health dramas I've been through over the last two years. I felt surprisingly emotional getting it, then surprisingly horrible for 24 hours of flu-like side effects, but I'm buzzing to be a big step closer to normal. It's not just that I feel safer, but that I'm less likely to pass it onto others - living in the city means that it's been hard to properly distance at all times (try going to big Tesco without people charging past you), so I feel much better that I'm (hopefully) less likely to infect others when I'm just out and about.

Because outdoor adventures were my highlight of 2020, I'm feeling motivated to get fitter so I can venture further afield when we are allowed. I've already talked about my new bike (which is a dream!), but I've been doing Yoga with Adriene videos, and I've started Couch to 5k again! If you've read this blog for a while, you might recall that I have a rollercoaster relationship with running, but this time around I actually feel motivated to do it! I think I'm just so glad for an excuse to get out of the flat for fresh air, and it is so much easier to do it when I can run at lunchtime as I'm at home (trying to get the motivation to run before commuting to work was truly impossible in the past). I'm only on week 2 of Couch to 5k, so we shall see, but I feel good about it, and I am embracing the small moments of goodness these days.

My favourite hobby these days is still painting, I cannot get enough! I recently tried a self portrait, which feels like a big improvement from my last effort (which you can see here). I'm alternating between watercolour paints and digital art and drawing loads of faces these days, it's just so nice to have a satisfying hobby and create things! On my art instagram (julietpaint) I am currently working my way through an A-Z challenge of alphabet portraits (so far I've painted Awkwafina, Billie Eilish, Claire Saffitz, Dana Scully, Emmy Raver, FKA Twigs, Gwen Stefani, Helena Bonham Carter, Idina Menzel, and me - phew!), but next up I actually quite fancy revisiting the paintings I did YEARS ago for my Illustrated Blogger series. I feel like I owe them a nice portrait! 

Other than that, we're using the time to start putting things into motion for our future, and while I'm pretty sceptical that things will just magically go back to normal in the summer, I am excited for lots of things. Can't wait to sit in the sunshine with my pals, to go to the cinema, to wander around a gallery and look at things that aren't on a screen (!), to go to spin class again (a surprising joy in my life), to go camping, and that sweet, sweet moment when we're allowed to go to beer gardens again. It is nice to feel things are a little brighter again. 

LIFE IN LOCKDOWN

Well, here we are. I'm currently on day 40 of lockdown, and can probably list the number of times I've left the flat on my fingers. It's such a cliche to say we live in unprecedented times, but jeezo, has there ever been anything quite like this?

Here's the good news. My friends and family are safe and well. I've still got a job and I no longer have to commute to work. I feel very lucky to be spending lockdown in my lovely flat, although I am furiously jealous of everyone who has access to a garden. I'm doing yoga and it's done wonders for my mental health. I got a kitten (more on that soon!) and she is a JOY and a perfect distraction from all of this. I've connected with old pals, and thanks to video chat, my social life feels as busy as ever. I have millions of books to read, and I'm a bit of a homebody anyway, so being told to stay indoors isn't actually that taxing. I am working very hard to not panic about things that are out of my control, and focus only on the things in my own sphere.

And the bad? Bloody hell, look at it. I have driven myself mad by obsessively reading, listening and watching the news and feeling frantic about the what if's, and the what might be's. I live in a busy part of the city and there's always just people everywhere, I am pining for the countryside. I am relieved to still be working, but a bit jealous of everyone that's furloughed, which feels like a pretty selfish thing to say. Our cinemas have closed and the film festival has been postponed, which means all of the exciting things we've been working on have just stopped. I can't imagine how or when things might return to normal, and I'm curious and scared of what the new normal will be.

So, how do you cope with this omnishambles and keep your calm? If you know the answer, please tell me! I'm now trying to lean into wholesome living and stop myself if I spiral into apocalyptic thinking - what can I do if it takes 18 months to get a vaccine and there's no immunity and society collapses? (AHH.)

Instead, I am giving myself permission to do whatever it takes to feel calm and have a measure of control, which in my case is: buying flowers constantly (if I'm stuck inside, it better look nice); doing popsugar fitness videos (body pain dulls anxious brain!); ordering weekly deliveries from my local bakery; watching stuff for teenagers on Disney+; immersing myself in fantasy books; taking 1,000 photos of the cat; and bailing on video pub quizzes (because I am QUIZZED OUT, who does this many quizzes in real life?).

And I guess, I am also dipping my toe into a cautious return to blogging? It is pretty therapeutic to write your angsty thoughts down, I recommend it. Until next time, stay safe, and stay at home.

LEARNING TO LIKE SWIMMING

It took me three years to visit the Victorian swimming pool that was one minute walk from my flat. I never thought of myself as a swimmer, so I didn't think swimming was for me. I didn't do it competitively at school, and since the lessons we were forced to take, the only swimming I did was splashing about in the sea on holiday. I thought people who went to swimming pools were scary-serious-speed swimmers, and there wasn't really a place for someone like me.

Photograph - Soo Burnell (from her amazing Poolside series of Edinburgh swimming pools)

But the pool called to me. It was January and I was feeling sluggish, I wanted to do something. And it turns out, I hate running with an intensity greater than my fear of trying something new. So I bought myself an actual swimsuit (thank you bravissimo for making nice things built for my body shape), and headed to the pool.

The moment I stepped in the water, I froze. What if I literally couldn't swim a length? I could swim in the ocean, but that's more fun-bobbing-about, rather than trying to cross a pool and back. I figured it was do or drown, and I managed to frogkick myself along. It is a bit like riding a bike, I knew my technique wasn't great (and oh my god, my body hurt the next day), but I could do it! Yeah, there was some scary swimmers there, but they just ignored me. Everyone ignored each other. Exactly my type of activity.

Fast-forward five months later (!), and it turns out I really, really like swimming. I've been going roughly twice a week since the start of the year, and I can't imagine life without it. I didn't start swimming with a goal to lose weight (I think there's better sports if that is your focus), but I just wanted to feel better. And I do. I feel less sluggish. I'm sleeping better. And I can really feel the difference when I'm swimming. I'm still terrified of the fast lane, but I'm faster! And while I could probably do with a swimming lesson or two, it feels like my body finally is starting to understand what it's doing.

More importantly, is the mental calm it has brought me. When I looked back on 2018, one of my big stand-outs was realising how I'd carried a snug layer of stress with me for most of the year. This time round I wanted to be kinder to my mind, and swimming has been a marvel. When I swim I don't think about anything. Not work, not life, not even swimming. I can do lengths without realising it. I just don't think, I just do. I've not had anything in my life like it before, it is so calming, and has already been a wonderful cure-all to stressy days.

I'm about to hit the busiest point in my year (Film Festival is just around the corner, and our launch is only two weeks away - oh gaaaad), so here's the real test for me and swimming. Will I still go when I'm tired? Will it keep me sane when I am dreaming about pop ups (and other nonsense work-stress dreams)? We shall see. Wish me luck!

HELLO 2019

Well, here we are. It's a new year, and with that, the deafening proclamations of intent across all social media platforms - I'll do this! I'll be better at that! Resolutions can be really fun, but this year? Hmm, I'm not sure my heart is in it.

I love the first week of the year, when the world starts to return to normal but there's a certain stillness, an agreed slowness to it all. I always enjoy that final pause before I return to normal life - it's a time to reflect, to plan for the year, to get your home and mind in order, and to recognise the importance of things and feelings that might have passed you by in the whirlwind of the year behind you.

I feel happy and calm at the moment, and I'm just curious to see what comes next. It's not a big bold statement, and part of me feels like I'm sort of lacking, that I'm not running to take the year by the horns, or setting myself a million goals. Sure, there's things I'd like to do this year. I want to take another evening class, I want to start swimming, I'd like to explore more of Scotland, I'd like to go on an alpaca trek (am I just looking for ever more creative ways to fill the gap of a dog in my life? Shhh), I want to get more confident at cooking, and I want to spend less time with my phone and more time with a book (like every millennial in the world), but I definitely do not want to give myself to-do lists, when I have enough of them in my working life!

I think I'm just a bit sick of the grind, the idea that you must be striving to achieve at all times. I don't want to! So I'm not. Instead of setting myself goals and feeling that I have things! to! do! I'm just going to take some practical steps and let the good times follow. I've bought a swimsuit (there's a victorian swimming pool one minute from my house, which I've never been to, this feels like a missed opportunity), I've signed up for one of Edinburgh University's evening classes (I'm so excited to learn things without the stress of exams at the end), and I've deleted my work email from my phone (to hopefully end the habit of impulsively checking it all the time).

I know these are basically resolutions by another name, but the simple step of just reframing them as options-I-have rather than objectives-to-complete makes me feel so much more relaxed, and excited to see what I'll get out of it, and what surprises 2019 has in store.

Whether you are setting resolutions or not, I hope you can also shrug off the nonsense pressure about reinventing yourself and your life choices at this time of year. January is tough enough (and the world is overall, a bit gloomy) without heaping the pressure on yourself. So don't! Just have fun, be kind, and do it at your own pace, and it'll all come together.

LOOKING BACK AT 2018

Well, hello 2019! Just like that, the year is over, and before I get deep into reflecting on what's to come, I thought it might be quite nice to share what I got up to in 2018.

This was a pretty tiring year for me. Lots of great things happened, but I also spent a lot more time worrying and stressing about things than was probably healthy (some of that was unavoidable, but some was totally in my control - have I learned my lesson? We'll see). But I got to go to amazing places! And I did cool things. And I have very wonderful, funny, smart people in my life! Overall, I guess you weren't too bad, 2018.

Here's how my year went.

January

The year got off to a pretty excellent start, with a week in Fuerteventura to celebrate my ace boyfriend's birthday (I blogged about the trip here if you want to see where we went). The weather was beautiful, the company was loads of fun, and the very best bit - we climbed a volcanic crater where we discovered loads of tiny ground squirrels that clambered all over you!

I always find January a bit flat and grey, so it was so much fun to have something big to look forward to, and go adventuring so early in the year!

HELLO 2018

I remember this time last year. I was sitting at this desk feeling so very, very tired after a year that taught me so much, but took every ounce of determination and will to get through it. It was a few days before the start of 2017 and I was heavy of heart, but there was also hope. So I painted this (sulking in self-reflection) and made myself a promise - I was going to be hopeful for what came next.

2017 was a good year for me. Turns out, the lessons of the previous year had given me so much. I knew more about who I am and what I want and what's important, and I'm willing to work towards it and take chances on things that are scary.

I learned to cook and finally realised how rewarding and relaxing it is to do so. I felt more comfortable in my job, and feel so so lucky to have a gang of work pals that keep me sane and motivated and are a joy to spend stressful days with. I got to go on wonderful holidays with wonderful people. I played loads of video games and read books and slept in and ate excellent breakfasts and it was great.

To top it off, we ended the year going to see Hamilton for my birthday (!) and my very thoughtful boyfriend somehow managed to organise a secret backstage tour afterwards (!!!). I was blown away. Christmas was spent with him, who I love so much, and wonderful pals, making wonderful food and drinking loads of wine. It feels good. Life is good.

I've found a lot of peace in recent years by realising that you can't predict what's going to happen next. Change is constant, people will surprise you. But you can pick the attitude you have to that change, realise life is just a series of moments, and delight in those moments. And that's what I want for 2018. I want to give less energy to stressful things that are beyond my control. I want to see more shooting stars, to move more (let 2018 be the year I enjoy running?), to take time to paint, to make more time for my brilliant friends, and to keep picking hope.

So here's to this year! Let's be kind and have a good one.

INSECURITIES

I generally try and keep my blog a happy, positive place. I like writing about the things I like, and on the whole, I'm an optimistic, happy-go-lucky kind of person. I'm good at finding the silver lining, and even when I am a bit grumpy, it generally doesn't last for long.

Butttt, that's obviously not always the case. And currently, I'm feeling a bit out of sorts and unsure of myself. I think it's a combination of leaving a long-term job, starting something new and exciting, and  the last six months being pretty manic and intense overall - I bought a house! I moved! I spent months panicking about cancer! I delivered a massive festival! I got a new job! I've had about two weeks to do reporting that normally takes six weeks! Aaaaargh.

Courage, dear heart - Etsy print

So, in no particular order, here are the things I am currently feeling insecure about. Because I figure writing them down will stop me squirrelling them away, and then I can just get on with things. Right?

I am starting a new job
In two weeks I'll be about to start my new job. The good thing is that I'm really confident about the work I'll be doing - I'm moving into a very similar position to the one I do now, and I know I'm good at it, and I understand festival life. But I'm nervous about all the little things. I have to make new friends, and I'm starting during a really busy period, when no-one will have time to hang out with me. And I've got a track record of things going really wrong in my first week of a new job (e.g. spilling coffee down a white dress, accidentally kicking my shoe off and it FLYING across an entire office) so I am nervous about the small, stupid things I can't control.

I will not be working with Josh anymore
I currently work in the same office as my boyfriend, and while I fully appreciate that it is going to be a Good Thing working in different places, I still feel insecure about it. I currently get to see him every day, and now I won't. I'll miss him. I'll miss getting to go for lunches with my boyfriend whenever the whim takes us, and making coffees together, and all the nice little moments that make office life so much sweeter. Aargh.

I am seriously unfit
This time last year I was well into training for a 10k race, and feeling pretty good as a result. I tried to restart running earlier this year, but gave up pretty quickly (because it was dark and rainy and I am definitely a fair-weather runner). Now I'm starting to get back into it, but I'm slow and sluggish, and I've started feeling sluggish and uncomfortable in life too. I know that I need to embrace the fact that I'm making healthy changes in my life, and keep exercising/eating healthily, but aaaah, I feel podgy and I just want to feel fitter INSTANTLY.

I am scared of my mortgage
I love my flat, but the responsibility of having to pay for it, and ANYTHING that needs fixed, stresses me out. I didn't realise how much I liked the safety net of renting (and passing any scary bills to your landlord), until I didn't have it anymore. I hate feeling nervy about money.

I don't know what to do with my hair/clothes/anything
This is probably all linked to just feeling a bit BLAH in my appearance, but I'm just feeling pretty over my current style. I have a haircut booked the week before I start my new job, which was meant to be a nice treat so I'd feel all ace when starting, but now I am SO UNSURE what to get done, and I don't know why it bothers me so much. I'm over-thinking my whole wardrobe, and panic-buying clothes I do not need, which is not a good thing.

I am a rubbish blogger
I cannot make time for blogging when I have any sort of work or life stress, which is why I drop off the blogging radar several times each year. But then when I do have time, I love it! I love writing, and  I love the achievement of having posts scheduled for the week, and I love hearing from people who like reading what I write. But I worry that I'm just too inconsistent, and I'm driving readers away. I get jealous when I see bloggers like me that are nailing it (I want to be cool and have a signature style and work with brilliant brands!), and I question whether my chat is even relevant anymore, and if it's worth the effort trying to post three times per week, if all I'm putting out is mindless nonsense. AHH.

I don't make time for creative projects
I don't consider blogging 'being creative' (although I do logically realise it is), so I get mad at myself when I don't make time for painting or drawing or writing fiction. I love those things! They make me happy and seriously help me destress and feel better. So why don't I do them? Why do I spend my time watching terrible movies like Divergent, that I hate so much I end up just mindlessly scrolling twitter on my phone? Whyyyy?

I can't dance
God, I'm an awful dancer. I really don't know what to do about that.

And WAH. Pity party over. I know it's going to be okay really, but it helps to acknowledge all the little things that add up to anxiety. I'm really excited about what's ahead of me, and I'm sure it'll work out fine - I just need to avoid light clothes/hot drinks in week one of my new job!

LIFE LATELY: EDSCIFEST

At the start of this year I was feeling pretty pleased with blogging. I'd got back into a three-posts-a-week schedule, I blogged some fun DIYs, and I'd worked out how to take reasonably okay (if a bit blurry) outfit posts. I knew work was going to be pretty manic over April, so I took loads of photos, thought of future blog post ideas... and then ran out of time to actually write them. Aargh!

Science Festival Lates - all photos by the wonderful Chris Scott

And then the Festival happened! The 27th Edinburgh International Science Festival rolled into town (from our offices in sunny Leith), and any work/life balance I previously had disappeared. I run the sponsorship team at the festival and we've been working on this for a whole year, so there were a lot of people to keep happy!

Happy cloud biscuits!

Over two and a bit weeks I went to over twenty events, watched a massive dinosaur skeleton get built from scratch, had my mind blown by the quantum theory concept of the multiverse (whaaaaaaat), snacked on roadkill rabbit, listened to one of the hardest maths problems of all time, looked at the blackest black material ever made, decorated a happy cloud biscuit, listened to very intelligent people, did my best to speak to very intelligent people without sounding like too much of an idiot, and drank quite a lot of wine in the name of science.

How the Light Gets In - Scifest art at Summerhall

I love the happy clouds

I also had more late night/early starts than was probably sensible, spent any free moment frantically trying to catch up with emails, had too many stress dreams about work (where my unconcious mind would dissect the most boring details of my job... did I remember to get pop-ups delivered in time?!), had a fairly frantic few days dealing with the aftermath of an unexpected cancellation, aaaand ran out of any conversation that wasn't fully centred around the Science Festival (sorry normal pals).

LateLab: Tron vs Tron Legacy

But that's festival life! You spend most of the year under the illusion that you have a perfectly ordinary job, and then bit by bit it takes over your life in exhausting and rewarding and excellent ways.

I've had my first weekend off work post-festival and it's been weird (but lovely!) to return to normal life. I've managed to catch up on Game of Thrones and read a book and do my washing... who knew life admin was so satisfying? Now I just need to get my head around planning for festival 2016... aaah!

BEING HAPPY

I remember this time last year - a whirlwind of stress and excitement and nerves and hope. I had just returned from a much-needed adventure and was attempting to readjust to the real world. My house (that I was living in with my ex) finally sold, giving me only a couple weeks to find a new home in the city. I started a new relationship, and I interviewed for a promotion during one of my busiest month's at work. It was exhausting. 

And twelve months on? I'm sitting in my flat, coffee in hand. The sun is streaming through the windows, and my little windowsill garden (which has just been tidied up and replanted) looks happy. I booked a couple of extra days off this week because it always feels so lovely to have a secret holiday when the rest of the world goes back to work. I've got a pile of new books to read, and the flowers my boyfriend bought for our anniversary are yellow and bright and singing of spring. It's peaceful.

I remember the day I wrote this post. I was scared about life and what was going to happen, but I was determined to hold on, and not give up hope. So when things FINALLY started falling into place at the start of 2014, I was completely drained. Over the last twelve months I've had to learn how to breathe again, to let go of putting on a brave face, and trust my instincts. And it seems to have worked.

So, for 2015 I'd like more of the same please! I'm not going to set myself super specific resolutions, instead I'm going to continue to make choices that make me happy. I want to go on more adventures, I want to be kind to people, I want to get more energy in my life (which I think I can fairly easily solve by eating breakfast in the morning - I am terrible about missing meals). Really I just want to feel happy in the small moments that make up my life - whether that's doing something super exciting, or a day in my pyjamas playing video games.

Neil Gaiman is one of my favourite authors, and every now and again he writes a really beautiful New Year's Wish. This is his for 2015, and I think it's pretty perfect.

Be kind to yourself in the year ahead.  

Remember to forgive yourself, and to forgive others. It's too easy to be outraged these days, so much harder to change things, to reach out, to understand. 

Try to make your time matter: minutes and hours and days and weeks can blow away like dead leaves, with nothing to show but time you spent not quite ever doing things, or time you spent waiting to begin.  

Meet new people and talk to them. Make new things and show them to people who might enjoy them.    

Hug too much. Smile too much. And, when you can, love.

Neil Gaiman - New Year's Wishes 

Happy new year everyone. I hope it's a good one.

Scottish Independence

Something very exciting is happening. Two years ago the UK and Scottish Government agreed on a referendum for independence in Scotland. And tomorrow, we vote.

I don't really feel qualified to write about politics, but it would feel strange not to mention it at all. If you aren't in Scotland (which, surprisingly, actually applies to the majority of this blog's readers) you might not have heard much about it, or even cared. But here, the atmosphere is electric.

I'm not going to talk about what way I'm voting, or why, because I think the most exciting thing of all is how people have changed. I've been eligible to vote for ten years, but I've never seen people (of all ages!) so passionate and eager to learn, to find an answer, and to talk to others about it.

It's gone far beyond boorish suited politicians shouting at each other. It's the conversation that's happening on the street, in the pub, between friends, and with people you've only just met. It's not the angry, scared, bitter fight that it might appear on tv either - I realise that there are idiots on both sides (and tensions have been growing pretty high in the last few days), but every conversation I've had with yes, no, or undecided's has been measured and considerate and respectful. We know that we all have to live together regardless of what way the vote goes. It isn't about country or a particular party or even a particular person. It's about making a decision. And I'm just so impressed with the good humour and intelligent thinking that I've witnessed from the people I've met.

So who knows, what'll happen on Friday. 97% of people have registered to vote, with a turnout of 80% expected. So whether it's a yes or no, either way we've got a country full of people who are talking and asking questions, and (in my case) thinking that perhaps I can write about politics after all. And that's very, very exciting.

Max

It's been a difficult week. On Friday I found out that my lovely horse Max was sick. On Saturday, the vet visited and my sister & I made a difficult decision. I saw him on Sunday, and by Monday he was gone.

I don't know if I've written about Max much on this blog, which makes me sad. He was a dream come true. For as long as I can remember, I've been obsessed with horses. I grew up, following in my big sister's footsteps by learning to ride, spending every weekend helping out at a stable, reading anything I could find about horses, and doing all I could to learn about them, to spend all of my time with them.

When I was 14, I realised that, no matter how much I wished, I wouldn't magically just be given a horse - so I decided to take matters into my own hands (sorry mum). I visited every farm/stable within walking distance and asked them how much livery costs would be, and put together a spreadsheet that argued how loaning a horse was actually cheaper than the cost of riding lessons. One of these farms asked about the horse I was bringing... in a panic I said I was also looking for a horse to loan, and they just happened to have one that fitted the bill.

Of course, I agreed to come back, try out the horse & meet the owner (at the time I was just thinking about a free ride), so I had to rope my big sister into coming with me (that wasn't hard). We met Max, we fell in love, and my well-researched case for taking on a horse, somehow, convinced our parents to go along with it.

It turns out, he was a total wimp. At first, we couldn't tie him up in the yard as he was scared to be alone, he would spook at EVERYTHING, including water (I have fond memories of falling off mid-canter as he caught sight of his own reflection in a puddle), and the only time we got a rosette, he ran away from the ribbon. He would beg with his front leg when he wanted something, and had to get his mane cut into a mohawk every summer because he would scratch it off.

But he was the most beautiful, patient horse. He learned to be brave (well, braver) quickly. He neighed when he saw me come into the barn. Whenever you groomed him, he would try to groom you back, and if I was walking through the barn, he would follow me without a lead rope, head gently pressed against my back. Every difficult moment in my life has been made better by spending time with him - either riding, forgetting about everything, or by simply grooming him, listening to his soft whickers, the way he would lean against you, lazily, heavy and comforting and trusting.

I moved away for uni, and my sister took over main owner duties (we had shared him equally up until then). I visited as often as I could, and spent my summers at the farm. Then when I got a job I came home once or twice a week to see him, and ride. Then work got busier, life was more chaotic, and well, things changed. I visited, and rode when I could.

But, oh, how I wish I had visited him more.

In a cold and dreich Spring, the skies turned blue this weekend. Max's last day was spent in the sunshine, grazing in the field with his friends. He had painkillers, so he didn't hurt. I hugged him and he groomed my back, just like he always did. He was 18, and his life was good. We loved him so.

Ever So Juliet is three!

Oh goodness me, where does the time go? This week marked a whole three years since I first blogged, which seems all sorts of crazy.

I know I say this pretty much every time I write about blogging, but it honestly amazes me how many people read this. There's loads of you. Thousands (actually tens of thousands). Each bloody month! That is insane, you guys. And I've been rubbish at posting regularly, but you keep coming back, and that's really nice (but bonkers, obviously).

This has been a rollercoaster year for me. Lots of intense things have happened, and while I've tried to keep a cheery face on the surface, I opened up a bit and wrote a very honest blog post. I knew people would read it, but I absolutely hadn't expected the flurry of comments and emails and tweets and facebook messages I got after that. People I had never spoken to before sent me encouraging messages, or just told me about their own stories & how they got through it, and that was so ridiculously touching.

So yeah, I guess this is the year that I properly realised how brilliant blogging is, and how it really connects you to people from all sorts of places, with all sorts of things going on in their lives. It's like having a really cool gang.

Thank you to you if you've read from the very beginning (hi mum), or just started reading today. Thanks if you've sent me a message or tweet, or said hi if you've spotted me in person (that happens! & is often so unexpected that I forget how to speak like a real person!). Thanks for reading my rambles through the good times and the bad. I hope I've taught you something useful (or pointless), and I hope you continue to keep reading!

Bring on year four (where I promise to get back into the swing of things...)!

p.s. if you are thinking 'ooh, I'd quite like to write a blog' then you should DO IT! Here are some blogging tips... you won't regret it.

Moving to the city

I've got some exciting news. After what feels like forever (although realistically, only four months) my house has sold! That means I'm moving back into my beloved Edinburgh, and into a wee flat all to myself. 

Tenements by Cassandra Harrison

So now I am packing. I have to work out how to fit half the contents of a three bedroom house into a one bedroom flat, and try to be ruthless about what I hold onto and what goes to the charity shop. Craig & I have tonnes of furniture that we aren't quite sure what to do with (anyone fancy a sofa?), aaaand I have to sort through boxes that are still untouched from our last move. Gulp.

But I'm going back to the city! After two years of long commutes & freezing buses, I'm moving just across the road from my work. I'll be in an old building again, one with views over Edinburgh rooftops. Once again, I can meet up with friends on only a moment's notice, I can spend my Sunday mornings in coffee shops, and I'll save a fortune on taxi fares.

I have a week to say goodbye to the suburbs. It isn't the right place for me now, but I loved it when it was. I'll miss the views from my street - you can see the cobweb of lights across Edinburgh, the darkness of the Forth, and the distant whisper of Fife. I'll miss the absolute quiet of the farm tracks near my house. There is no better place to walk when you want a moment of peace to yourself. I'll miss how clear the skies are, and how well you can see the stars. I'll miss the smell of country air, of living next to fields and parks and trees.

But that's life, isn't it? Things change, and that's okay. It's a series of different moments, and I am going to make sure mine are as fun as they can be. 

(Plus, for the first time in six years I won't have to run decorating decisions by anyone!).

New year's resolutions

I know they aren't for everyone, but I love new year's resolutions. I reckon I've worked out the trick to them... just pick things that you definitely want to do (but maybe lack a bit of motivation for) and it's so much easier (and more fun!) than the usual - lose weight, save money, etc, yawn, etc.

Last year I wanted to push myself to be more creative - specifically by writing and painting more. I didn't really fulfill my writing ambitions, but I did bits and pieces across the year, met up with my friend Niki for (semi-regular) write club, and blogged 108 days of the year!

Painting was much more successful - I went from barely ever drawing, to painting or sketching pretty much every week, and over the year I've really noticed myself getting more confident and quite a bit better at it! On top of that, I've also worked on a few extra crafty projects, and am pretty pleased with how they turned out.

New year's resolution SUCCESS!

This year, I'm picking a pretty weird resolution - I'm going to change my routine and stop wearing eyeliner every day. I know it doesn't sound like much, but I am a total eyeliner addict. I don't even think about doing it, but liquid eyeliner has just been an automatic part of my getting-ready-in-the-morning process, regardless of where I was going, or what I was doing that day.

Until... I went on holiday, and decided that for the next month I would embrace the excuse to be super scruffy and barely wear make up. I thought it would be weird and that I would be self-conscious in photos, but actually, I just looked like me! And I didn't need to worry about eyeliner smudging all day.

So - I am twenty days in, and I expected everyone to say WHATISWRONGWITHYOURFACE, but hardly anyone has actually noticed (or, if they have, they have rightly assumed that it is such non-news that it ain't worth commenting on). Aaaaand it takes about half the time to get ready in the morning (turns out getting liquid eyeliner on evenly is time-consuming work!).

I know this is the world's most boring (and easy) resolution, but I've just broken the habit of ten years, and I like it. Now I need to learn how to do night-out make up, without relying on winged liner! I will report back...

I'm home!

So after flying to the other side of the world on December 12th, I am now home. A bit tired, covered in freckles, and already dreaming of being back in a hammock on my favourite beach.

I've got a couple of days left to catch up with friends and family before I'm back to work, and I'm going to try and sort through hundreds of photos, make an epic video (that will probably only be of interest to my folks, but I will share it anyway), and try to get my head back into the real world.

I'm going to post my 2013 round up/2014 resolutions over the next few days (even though I'm super late to the party, shhh), and I will try to be a much better blogger in 2014!

Hope you all had a lovely Christmas and New Year x

Being happy

I was talking to a friend the other day about how weird blogging is. I write about my life and the things I like, and I share photos of what I get up to and what I wear. But how honest is it? I wouldn't ever make something up, just so I could write about it, but I leave things out and I gloss over things (and I always take about a million terrible outfit photos before I manage to get a nice one).

I want my blog to be a positive place - so it makes sense to focus on the fun things, but I think it's important to acknowledge every now and again that life ain't all lovely and brilliant. Things have been a bit hard lately, so I just wanted to talk about that.

Russell Loughlan

It's been a weird year for me so far. Lots of amazing, fun, ace things have happened. I've been to brilliant places, and I've made new pals that I absolutely adore. I changed my job, and absolutely love it (although I do miss my magazine days every now and again). Life, in many ways, is treating me well.

But, then again, it's been really difficult on many levels too. My relationship ended at the start of the summer, and my life is totally different. We own a house so we've still been living together, but of course things have changed, everything has changed. The house that we loved and shaped into a lovely home has just gone on the market, and that's all quite scary and exciting and strange to think about. I don't know where I'm going to live (other than the roughest of plans) because I don't know when the house will sell, or when I can move. It's a really odd situation.

Sometimes I'm almost giddy about how exciting the future is. For the first time in a very long time, I don't know what life will be like. I could go anywhere! I could change everything if I wanted! There's so much out there, and I've learned that I can be brave and I can do scary things. But other times I'm really struck by what I've lost. Not just Craig, but the life we planned, the future that was ours. It might not be the right thing for me any more, but I've needed to mourn for the what-could-have-been, and at times I feel like I have the heaviest of hearts.

Russell Loughlan

Luckily, Craig continues to be the nicest person I know. This could have been awful. I've heard horror stories about break ups, and exes living together, and I am so glad that this has been nothing like that. We've been good to each other.

I came across this quote by Jeanette Winterson when I was reading her latest book, Why Be Happy When You Can Be Normal? and it really stuck with me. I think is worth reading, regardless of how life is treating you.

Pursuing happiness, and I did, and still do, is not at all the same as being happy- which I think is fleeting, dependent on circumstances, and a bit bovine. If the sun is shining, stand in it- yes, yes, yes. Happy times are great, but happy times pass- they have to- because time passes. 

The pursuit of happiness is more elusive; it is lifelong, and it is not goal-centred. What you are pursuing is meaning- a meaningful life. There's the hap- the fate, the draw that is yours, and it isn't fixed, but changing the course of the stream, or dealing new cards, whatever metaphor you want to use- that's going to take a lot of energy. 

There are times when it will go so wrong that you will barely be alive, and times when you realize that being barely alive, on your own terms, is better than living a bloated half-life on someone else's terms.

The pursuit isn't all or nothing - it's all AND nothing. Like all quest stories.

So. I'm not going to be sharing every part of what I'm going through (it is the internet after all), but I'll check in about life things maybe a little more often. And on the whole, I'm quietly optimistic that things are going to work out well. Which is a really nice thing to have.

Ever So Juliet is two!

This post is a little behind schedule (blame working at a festival - lots of fun, but no time for anything else!), but I wanted to mark the occasion with a rambly post.

Last month marked two years since I decided to be a bit brave, start a blog, and write a very awkward first post. Happy blog anniversary to me!

I didn't realise back then how much "being a blogger" would become such a big part of my identity. I also didn't realise how much time or effort blogging would actually take... if I had I wonder if I would have been as keen to dive in? Blogging has become a ridiculously important part of my life. I feel like I'm always working away on it, either through writing posts, researching, taking photos, tinkering with images and design, or trying out DIYs (which leads to random Monday evenings in full-face zombie make up).

There's lots of very good things that come with a blog. I feel so much more motivated to do things... whether that's baking, doing nice things to my hair, exploring my very favourite city, wearing nice clothes, or just trying to be a cheery person. Having a platform to chat on & regularly update has definitely been really helpful in keeping me on track with my new year's resolution and I definitely take more photos than I ever did before! 

The last year has been a bit of a learning curve for me, as I've appeared on various PR & brand radars, who've wanted to work with me. At first it was all very exciting and I said yes to EVERYTHING, but now I'm trying to be a little more strict regarding who I work with & what I cover (there's nothing like being ridiculously busy to make you realise what emails are important to you!).

But as much as free things and being paid to write is nice (obviously it is), it's not what keeps bringing me back, updating even if I'm knackered or would really prefer to just watch the new Game of Thrones episode thank-you-very-much. I blog because I love it. I love that I have this super fun site that is all about me and my pals and the things I am doing. & people actually read it! Not just my pals and my mum and my sisters, but thousands and thousands of you each month. It properly blows my mind.

So thank you for reading my very rambly, slightly scruffy posts. I hope you keep reading, and that I can be entertaining or helpful or cheer you up in some way. Here's to year three.

A catch up

Hello everyone! I feel like I've utterly abandoned my blog over the last few weeks, so I thought I'd fill you in on what I've been up to.

Life has mainly revolved around work - I'm now almost two months into my new job (time has absolutely flown by!) and the festival has been and gone. In two and a half weeks I went to twenty one events (which included twenty minutes on quantum physics theory that made my brain HURT), had a ridiculous number of late nights (either working or playing, or a combo of both), drank a fair amount of gin, learned LOADS, daydreamed about a lie in LOADS too, ate bright green mushrooms, danced at a UV disco, and met a lot of very, very lovely people.  

Here's what it looked like.

From top to bottom:

Pals | being in a massive bubble | attempting to learn MATHS | more pals

The very very fun LateLab (if you are in Edinburgh you should go to one, they are awesome!) | a good hair day

Pisces (I heart balloons!) | being a photobooth idiot with Muzza | eating weirdo food | PALS

Lots and lots and lots of fun. Life is returning to normal now, and I've managed to catch up on sleep, start eating at normal times again & have had time to even do washing! Exciting stuff.

Happy thoughts

 I think I'm going to try & write more happy thoughts posts this year - I try to keep most of my blog posts quite focused on whatever I'm chatting about, so it's nice to have a break and just ramble every now and again!

I'm now almost three weeks into my new job & it's going very well so far (hooray!). The people are lovely, it's an amazing charity & I am excited for the festival  to start (which is only two weeks away - I will blog about this properly soon!). However, I'm still in the taking-in-new-information-best-behaviour-all-the-time stage, and it's knackering!

As I'm spending most nights flopped on the sofa, being massively unproductive, I thought I'd chat about my current favourite tv shows...

1. Game of Thrones

CLEARLY not a scene from the show, but in fact the most amazing decapitated Ned Stark cake pops you will ever see.

I love Game of Thrones! I'm a massive fantasy fan, but didn't actually read any of the books before the TV show started (I was more of a Lord of the Rings / Wheel of Time girl). Since being hooked from the first episode, I have powered through the books & am tempted to re-read them this year (if I can handle the emotional journey, sob!).

A couple of weeks ago I went to a special screening event at the Glasgow Film Festival which was brilliant! Rory McCann (who plays the Hound) was there & was hilarious.. and also managed to dodge some massively weird fan questions with very good humour!

The new series starts in the UK on April 1st... it's going to be ace!


2. The Vampire Diaries

There's a love triangle - can you tell?

I LOVE THIS SHOW. Mainly because it is aimed at teenagers and I am really still a teenager at heart. I first started watching it because it has Boone from Lost in it (Lost, I miss you! Come back!), but I am now well and truly hooked. It really is the most ridiculous thing on tv though. Possibly even more so than True Blood.

My pal's friend was one of the vampires on the show, and I did my best to try and get him to bring me back something (anything!) from the set... sadly an unsuccessful mission. He did send in a special message for my List leaving card though - & I think he thinks I'm an absolute nutter (oh well!).


3. 30 Rock

I am such a latecomer to 30 Rock - only started watching it last year, but was instantly hooked & have powered through episodes. I think I'm still a season or so behind, and am tempted to buy the box set and have a massive marathon viewing one weekend.

Before I started watching it I was once told that I was "very Liz Lemon" - which confused me then, but makes me happy now. I love her!

& they are my favourites! I'm also massively hooked on anything with singing, teenage drama, or something spooky. I keep trying to convince myself that because I don't watch soaps I have quite a refined taste in tv (ha ha), but I think that argument is well & truly shot now...